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A friend asks me “Why Chinese don’t go Dutch?” So I want to regard this question as the topic and write an article. As everyone knows, Occidental will go Dutch while having a meal in the restaurant. But Chinese don’t go Dutch. Chinese will pay the bill and check out generously. Occidental don’t often entertain guests; but Chinese often invite friend to dinner. A lot of Occidentals feel puzzled to this question.
Why exists such a difference? Because of the East and West culture and custom are different on the surface. I will analyze this question concretely.
First of all, food systems between China and Occident are different. Chinese put into practice Gather Dining System; Occidentals put into practice Individual Dining System. Everybody can share the delicious food of all over the table when eating Chinese food. Please note it is sharing; but Occidentals just eat the food in one’s own plate, if you eat beef, he eats chicken. It is impossible that you taste the flavor of his chicken. The result of the Individual Dining System is that you can only eat the food in your plate. It is unable to share. Ha-ha! What I said is right! So to eat Chinese food is happier than to eat Western-style food. And I want to ask you a question. Do you like the free thing? I think nobody don’t like the free thing. Ok! Suppose I invite you to eat the delicious Chinese food, then I pay the bill. This is equivalent to that you have enjoyed a delicious Chinese food free. So you will be very glad. Have strengthened the relation between us in the happy atmosphere.
Secondly, Occidentals eat for the health; Chinese eat for the friendship. Occidental advocate individualism and independence is strong. So Occidental express that respect for each other’s independence through the way go Dutch. Chinese like making friends and solidarity. Chinese value the interpersonal relationships and friendship very much. There are a lot of folk adages in China, for example “Depend on parents at home, leave home and depend on the friend!”,”Handle affairs is easy if you have many friends!”, another sentence is the more violent: “Insert the knife into both sides of the rib for friend!!!”. Therefore, friend’s position is important in Chinese’s mind. The purpose that Chinese don’t go Dutch is doesn’t want to destroy the friendship between the friends. Dutch treatment is the stingy behavior in China, is unfavorable to the friends’ solidarity and is unfavorable to keeping the harmonious interpersonal relationship.
Third, it is only simple “Have a meal!” that Occidental entertain guests. It is not purpose that Chinese entertain guests, but it is the means. In Americans’ idea, “Have a meal” definition is to add fuel to the body for keeping health and normal life activity. Thus resist the attack of disease. That is to say, there is no any additional value. In the Chinese idea, “Have a meal” not only is for maintaining the health of the body, but also is a kind of life enjoyment, even is the means to promote friendship between the friends. After enjoying the sumptuous delicious food, you are glad, I am glad too, everybody is glad. The friendship between the friends has been strengthened in this kind of atmosphere.
Chinese are a nation liking treat very much. Generally speaking, one party who propose treat will pay the bill in China. But purposes are different. For example you help me to do a thing, I will invite you to dinner in order to express thankfulness to you, certainly, I will pay the bill. Suppose I am a company manager, you are another company manager. I talk about the business with you, and I will say: “Let’s have a meal together!”. Certainly, I will pay the bill. My purpose is that congratulates business’ success, promote the friendship between us, even the friendship and cooperation between two companies.
In fact, Chinese are very complicated. So I say that Chinese don’t go Dutch is not merely a kind of folkway and custom, but it is a means, a method, a repayment way, a way to express emotion, even is probably a kind of stratagem…
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When westerners share the bill you only see that they want to be independent.
But you are not seeing the full picture. If I have a good friend and we are having dinner, we share the bill to show we are fair and care for the other each other. It is like carrying the load together: you do it together and support each other. If we are equal we may see eye to eye (no hierarchy). I think this is a profound human value too. Secondly, if we do it the Chinese way (you pay, I pay, you pay, I pay etc), effectively we both pay 50%. There is no difference at the end of the day!
Also I think in some Western cultural mindsets, money should not be a factor in relationships because friendship relationships are about spontaneous care and love, they should not be about “I owe you a dinner because you paid last time”. Money should not influence the balance in a friendship. This is also the reason westerners don’t like to speak about their salaries: it is not because occidentals are ‘private’ as some people may think, it is because we feel it is embarrassing if our friend feels more or less value/ importance because he has more or less money. It comes from the concept that materialism is an inferior reason for friendship: relationships should not be bought but given freely and unconditionally.
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I am a Chinese born and bred in Indonesia and my name is in Hokkien, in pinyin it’s Liang Zi Xiao. Now living in Holland over 50 years, therefore quite familiar with Chinese customs and Dutch manners.
My experience is that there is not much difference in people’s character in the world , though
customs and manners can be different.
When eating out I have never experienced a ‘Dutch treat’ and the host pays the bill. Of course being the host always to certain persons can be troublesome.
I am an American with many Chinese friends so I have experienced first hand the Chinese way at restaurants and I am very glad to see this article addressing the differences. I really like the Chinese way of sharing all of the food on the table. In America we call that “Family Style”. It is rare to see this done in American restaurants today.
But I have to say that the Chinese way of paying the bill has caused many stressful meals with my husband and I and our Chinese friends. When we go to share a meal with friends, we want to relax, enjoy good conversation and have a nice time. (Here I must object to your idea that we do it just to fill the human need for food and to take care of our health—really, have you been to McDonalds lately?) But instead of relaxing, we have to keep alert and vigilant to someone at the table sneaking away during the meal to go pay the bill ahead of time or at the end of the meal facing the inevitable argument about who will pay the bill. This is not relaxing. To me, it takes away from the pleasure of the time spent together.
I fully agree with John’s look at the matter (very well put John). It seems that the Chinese pay out of the need to follow the Chinese tradition on manners. It has made me feel very guilty when a young Chinese girl who doesn’t have a lot of money pays the bill for the whole table. She has had to work very long hours to get that money and now her money is gone and she will have to work more long, hard hours to get it back. This situation can take away the pleasure of a good meal. Why should one person take the burden for the whole group? Why not share the burden?
Life can be hard and living today can be expensive. We all must work hard to pay the bills that come with everyday living. Friends can share this load. I agree with John that when money issues come in to a friendship, then trouble can come too. Paying should come from the heart and not out of the need to save face.
There are many times that I would love to get together with a group of friends for a meal but could never afford to pay for the whole group. Does that mean that we just don’t get together at all? If each one pays for himself, then we can all get together and no one person has to go home with the burden of an empty wallet and a pile of bills at home.
In the end, we just see things differently. I accept these differences. It is good to understand why each culture does the things they do. It can help to avoid misunderstandings and bring people from different cultures together.
soon i’ll link this post with something i’m writing, from my short experience as laowai in China!!!
keep up with the good work!!
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[...] Don’t let other people paying food for you! This is something people living in China know extremely well, and since it has been treated extensively in other blogs, I want only to pint you to an extremely nice one that I found recently: Occidental Go Dutch VS Chinese Pay the Bill. [...]
I have to say, nowadays, Pay in Dutch is more popular among younger Chinese. Of course, it depends on the situation. Usually, when a boy invites a girl to a dinner, usually the boy will pay for the dinner.
But have we ever thought of the question ‘why do we say Pay in Dutch, not Pay in English, or Pay in French’? Yeah, that’s because most Dutch are stingy, or to be accurate, too smart……..
I wonder whether there has a similar phrase in Dutch language. Or, if we translate the English phrase ‘Pay in Dutch’ in to Dutch , what would it be like? As far as I know, in Chinese, we have a saying A A ZHI, which means everyone pays for his or her own bill. But this has nothing to do with ‘Dutch’.
What John says is wrong I feel. He says it’s because westerners want to show respect for each other, but that’s completely wrong. It is because they don’t want to pay for the other. Lets say if one person does not want to pay the bill, Then the other will not be so willing as the Chinese. Also he will negotiate with the other to pay him back, at this point it is about money and not about respect. In china, if one pays and the other offers to repay, then They just say “forget about it” or “No, you don’t have to” or “I’m in no hurry, You can pay whenever you like.”
The western concept is all about money. When a relative gave me a ride in America, he not thinking about helping family, he’s thinking how much car gas he’s losing and calculating how much to charge the family.
And I don’t agree with TLW. The whole point of paying for others is so they’ll ease the load off the poor. The highest or richest will mostly pay and they are glad to pay. So the little girl TLW was talking about will never pay. And that little girl will aspire to do the same when she becomes successful. In western society, it is “You pay $10.99. You pay $9.99. You pay $9 plus tip” etc. Even the jobless student have to pay for their own. They was time by calculating the bill.
The chinese concept is analogous to helping a old lady with her groceries. Yes, the old lady can hold her own groceries. Yes, you can say, you’re not going to help her because it shows respect. But helping her is the friendlier and more respectful thing to do.
Just read this, and wish that i had found your website when i first came to china. Enjoyed the read and I look forward to reading more!!!!